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Sweet, sweet memories,
Let us become college bound,
Change like autumn leaves.
A haiku.
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Hello there,

Being a person who recently graduated from high school an dis now moving towards college, you have struck me. The relation the reader - of similar experience - receives is both refreshing and appealing. Binding both the piece, and the person as one, in a sense.

Your form was very clean-cut, too. It gave it a familiarity and emotive expression with such words as, 'college', 'autumn and 'leaves'.

Being a haiku (5-7-5), you avoided the common failure of hindered flow. I applaud you for that because it is always well deserved in a circumstance like such. :clap:

For the basic criteria;

Vision: Four because you had a very nice image and message to give us.

Originality: 3. You definitely gave your own spin and soul in this, I liked that - but, it is still a common subject.

Technique: No hindrance - perfect.

Impact: Like I said before, you struck me with this. It had a definite impact for me.

Thank you for your time and talents,
Tristan Cody.
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The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 3 deviants thought this was fair.

Critique by KOIBEAT Dec 11, 2012, 7:29:22 PM
Critiquing such a short poem like a haiku is kind of difficult but I’ll give it a try.

For technique, you followed the guidelines of the 5-7-5 syllabic structure. From what I know, Haiku are about capturing a specific moment in time, in which you did well. Some declare that haiku ought to be diverse and interpretive but I would disagree. To me your vivid image makes this poem even more a true haiku. Just a fun note, while watching a documentary, a historical linguist of some sort commented that haiku became a commoner’s way of proving they had been somewhere, almost like a poetic journal entry.

A specific example on how you paint a singular image is in the entire second line. There seems to be a universal distinction between those that say, “Let us become college bound” without thinking twice, and then people more like me that have considered in a kind of melancholy, “maybe college isn’t for me…”

One thing that I don’t find appropriate is the unnecessary use of punctuation. Whether it is for grammar or for particular effect, they usually don’t go well with haiku.

For example, the use of commas at the end of the first two lines… They don’t need it because you weren’t using it for grammatical purposes probably from the punctuation of each beginning letter of each line or the lack of grammar in the last line for sake of following the syllabic rules.

This may sound a bit subjective but I follow the idealness of simplicity.

The period at the end is up to you. I don’t find it necessary. Yet regardless of simplicity, some people naturally find the period to be an absolute sign of ending a thought.

The comma between “sweet, sweet” I minded the least though, but it’s just another thing to consider whether you really want it there or not.

For originality, although I did like this haiku, I can’t really say it was that original. I'm not a pro at determining the true originality of things so all I can say is that this doesn’t sound like plagiarism :O.

By means of impact, just as many other people have commented, I relate quite a bit to this. I look back at my early high school days, and then to senior year and I become somewhat reflective.

That’s all I got. Good luck with our future work.

Sincerely, KOIBEAT
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2 out of 2 deviants thought this was fair.

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projectilewordvomit Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Short and sweet :3 Lovely haiku.
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Student Artist
Thanks ^^
nightshade-keyblade Featured By Owner Dec 6, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Brings back such sweet memories :)
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Dec 7, 2012  Student Artist
As it should :)
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Submitted on
December 3, 2012
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