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:icondylanseto: More from DylanSeto


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Submitted on
September 30, 2012
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323 bytes
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1,039
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91 (who?)
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53
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I left my heart's door open,
But no one walked in.
I laughed but no one laughed with me.
All that's left is a symphony.
It's coming from the back of my heart.
I'm waiting for someone to hear it.
Will you listen?
WIll you listen?
Add a Comment:
 
:iconempty-emotion:
The emotion that is in this poem is strong. I like it. What I see is a jumble of emotions under a cloud of sadness and loneliness.
I like the contrast between your actions and the lack of response of others. This produces that extreme sense of loneliness and sets the mood for the rest of the poem.
Now, on the fourth line, you put "All that's left is a symphony." I love that line! When I read that part, I can hear a single sound made from many parts. Just like a single emotion is never simple, neither is any one sound from a symphony.
The question at the end is good. It engages the reader.
Also, I like the sudden change of focus, from "I" to "you". It helps the reader feel the emotion.


P.S. This is my first critique. I hope it helps!
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
9 out of 9 deviants thought this was fair.

:iconlady-luck03:
It's sometimes tricky to critique something so short, but this is a very well written piece. The conceit of the poem is great. I see a war of emotions covered by a blanket of loneliness which really makes the vision clearer.
The literal meaning is great and creative and again that really adds to the poem's conceit. My favorite line is the fifth one. It creates an image of distance and I feel like I'd have to do a great deal to be able to hear that symphony.
The poem is also economized very well. It has just the right amount of words that are organized in a good manner.

Good job and thank you for the read. I enjoyed it.
What do you think?
The Artist thought this was FAIR
3 out of 5 deviants thought this was fair.

The Artist has requested Critique on this Artwork

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:iconmarijeklei:
MarijeKlei Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014
I really like this one, well done!
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Apr 27, 2014  Student Artist
Thanks you!
Reply
:iconpoisonousvapors:
POisOnOUsVaPOrs Featured By Owner Nov 30, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
great piece! full of emotion keep it up!
:llama:
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Student Artist
Thanks!
Reply
:iconpoisonousvapors:
POisOnOUsVaPOrs Featured By Owner Dec 4, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
welcome
Reply
:iconquiteloner:
QuiteLoner Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
this is a really good poem I love it
and I will listen
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Artist
^^ thanks~~
Reply
:iconquiteloner:
QuiteLoner Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
^^
Reply
:iconkthejaybee3:
Kthejaybee3 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
<3 I like it
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Artist
thank yew ^^
Reply
:iconbutterflyanaes:
ButterflyAnaes Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Short, sweet, and true...
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Artist
^^ Hard times make the good times better~~
Reply
:iconbutterflyanaes:
ButterflyAnaes Featured By Owner Nov 28, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Agreed. :aww:
Reply
:iconme2smart4u:
Me2Smart4U Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Student Digital Artist
the tittle truly fits this well written piece... it has a very deep and unique flow. Nicely Done..:hug:
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Artist
Thanks ^^
Reply
:iconme2smart4u:
Me2Smart4U Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Digital Artist
most welcome:hug:
Reply
:iconaaron-jay:
Aaron-Jay Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
ooo... wow that's powerful! :O So short and so evoking! :) Can Hug you!? TOO BAD!!! :hug: I just did! TAKE THAT!!! :hug: that's what you get for writing such amazing poetry! :hug:
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Artist
So many hugs dude :O hahaha Thanks xP
Reply
:iconaaron-jay:
Aaron-Jay Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
No problem. :O now... I warn you... :O If you make more good poetry, I might be forced to hug you again. :O I know it's drastic, but just be careful...
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Artist
sorry I couldn't resist LOL -

Roses are red,
Dead bodies are of a blue-ish hue,
Hug me again,
And I just might smack you

Please don't take this serious.....hahaha
Reply
:iconaaron-jay:
Aaron-Jay Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
O.o :O O.o












:hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug:
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Artist
wasn't my 30 second poem duh most profound work youve ever heard? haha
Reply
:iconaaron-jay:
Aaron-Jay Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
yes. It was like drinking a cool glass of water from the arctic. It reminded me of the winds sweeping across my face during the chilly autumn. It was stunning. :O (the not so iron chef approach)
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Student Artist
haha xP
Reply
:icondarksxkitten:
DarkSxKitten Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Even as this is a short piece, is speaks volumes with it's simple message.
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Artist
^^
Reply
:iconnarscianna:
Narscianna Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
I like the poem. It is very strong and very deep and powerful.
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Artist
Thank xP
Reply
:iconnarscianna:
Narscianna Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
You're welcome
Reply
:iconbleachgirls209:
bleachgirls209 Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012  Hobbyist Filmographer
That was amazing and if your serious I will listen to you. :D
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Artist
I was serious at the time of writing, however i feel like life has gotten better since then. Thanks for the thought though!
Reply
:iconbleachgirls209:
bleachgirls209 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Filmographer
Oh ok I'm glad your ok now :D
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Artist
^^
Reply
:iconbleachgirls209:
bleachgirls209 Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Hobbyist Filmographer
If you ever hav any depression problems feel free to talk to me. I've been through alot.
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Student Artist
I'll keep that in mind. Thanks ^^
Reply
:iconbleachgirls209:
bleachgirls209 Featured By Owner Dec 3, 2012  Hobbyist Filmographer
Your welcome ;)
Reply
:iconamiejo:
amiejo Featured By Owner Nov 26, 2012
J'entends cette sonate en ré mineur... votre texte est très beau, vous n'êtes pas seule.. ;) :rose:
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012  Student Artist
Merci ^^ Je suis un peu surpris de voir une francophone lite cette poeme. Il me fait content :D

Aussi...excuse ma francais, ce n'est pas ma langue premiere
Reply
:iconamiejo:
amiejo Featured By Owner Nov 27, 2012
un grand plaisir pour moi, de découvrir et lire vos textes! :clap: :rose:
Reply
:icontsundoku:
tsundoku Featured By Owner Oct 27, 2012  Student Writer
Those first two lines are gorgeous. I would argue though... Pick one of the themes and stick with it. Fully explore the metaphor. For example, either choose your voice, choose the door and other parts of your heart, or choose the symphony.

Like, I know that you do relate the symphony back to the heart and that is to do with the voice which is to do with the laughter but... it's not strong enough. It doesn't flow as well as it could.

This piece has a lot of potential.
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Oct 28, 2012  Student Artist
I'll keep that in mind for the future. ^^
Reply
:iconferncloud24:
Ferncloud24 Featured By Owner Oct 23, 2012
Yes
Reply
:icondyoniysus:
Dyoniysus Featured By Owner Oct 17, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Loved it! :iconimhappylaplz:
Reply
:icondylanseto:
DylanSeto Featured By Owner Oct 19, 2012  Student Artist
^^
Reply
:iconklevry1:
klevry1 Featured By Owner Oct 4, 2012  Hobbyist Traditional Artist
i listen to all, but none listen to i
Reply
:iconthatnerdyowl56:
thatnerdyowl56 Featured By Owner Oct 2, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Yes. I will. :cling:
Reply
:iconcarolynthemouse:
CarolyntheMouse Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012  Hobbyist General Artist
Me likey. It makes me want to make a steampunk looking sculpture of a heart with a door with instruments inside.
Reply
:iconryroherewego:
Ryroherewego Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012  Hobbyist Interface Designer
I would love to listen...I think this is really powerful considering it's so short. The idea of that symphony is beautiful - it'll stick with me for a while I can tell you :)
Reply
:iconangelicarose24:
AngelicaRose24 Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012
I agree all the way
Reply
:iconxaiedail:
xAiedail Featured By Owner Oct 1, 2012  Hobbyist Writer
Really nicely written. :blackrose:

And I'll definitely listen - perhaps join you too. :)
Reply
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